That’s what I would like to know sitting here writing in a quite irritated state of mind, “Who left the bag of idiots open?”
Idiots come in many forms depending on their age. I myself was let out of the idiot bag as an idiot teenager doing some of the dumbest crap around. For example, sneaking out of my friend’s house at 2 am quite often just to wander the streets as if we were hoping for our kidnapping followed by our rape and perhaps our dismemberment. I mean we were playing Russian roulette really. Idiots!
I was also an idiot when I thought it wise to camp out in my car in the woods of the Grand Mesa in Colorado over a long weekend so as not to miss one minute of fishing. First of all, I could have been killed by a crazy nature person, mauled by a bear, or any number of things, really. Idiot!
Now, turning the idiot arrow away from myself for a minute, I’d like to begin pointing out the idiotness I have been exposed to over the last several years because its time to vent, y’all.
So, the other day, I was in a rush to get to my Hippotherapy partner’s farm to work on our program with the horses. I was a little on edge because I hate being late, I feel it shows disrespect for the person you have a time plan with. I’m just pulling onto the Parkway and picking up ‘obvious’ speed when this car pulls out in front of me going negative 12 causing me to slam my breaks on. I couldn’t get over as it was rush hour-y morning traffic so I thought, ” Surly this sloth car will pick up speed since we are on a road that requires 50 miles an hour.” Well, no actually, the sloth becomes catatonic and if at all possible slows down to negative 25 and I still can’t get around them. I could feel my stomach getting ticked and I had to do my deep breathing lest I get that road rage stuff and run the dead sloth off of the road.
Finally, a break in the lane next to me happens and I make my move. As I pass the dead sloth I observe a normal looking lady who isn’t on her cell phone, leaning over trying to pick something up off of the floor, or putting make up on. No, she’s just slow as frozen molasses and it really irked me. Idiot!
So, the other day, I’m at the grocery store for probably the 11th time that day and this man decides to be Hercules and zing his recently emptied cart into the cart hold only he is just a bit too far away for a straight line and he did not take into account that the alignment of the cart could possibly be off. Here’s what happens, he zings the ill aligned cart thinking he’s some straight line stud but wait, the alignment goes out, the cart veers right, and slams into the back of a parked car therefore making an obvious dent. What does joy boy do? He takes the heck off for his car as the cart bounces off of the parked car, rolls away, and then proceeds to hit another car. Idiot!
Oh but there’s more!
I’m at Wal-mart the other day, yes the land of peculiar weirdness, and as I go to get in line to check out, I spy a man in front of me with his pants so far down the back of his legs, they were hanging out near the back of his dang knees and his flamingo boxers are the only thing standing between me and his ass. I couldn’t help but stare trying to figure out how this style is appealing and how this particular style is being perceived as a chick magnet. Of course, dude catches me staring, grins, and then turns around in a smug like manner.
Here’s what I wanted to say, “Dude, really, your flamingo boxers need a good washing as they are horrifically nauseatingly stained, followed by a good tailor to hike your ridiculously low jeans up where they were meant to be. If you are going after leg warmers, well, you’ve missed the boat as leg warmers are two different tubes that fit on each lower leg. You are abusing the power of your jeans and as every girl knows, we like a well-rounded ass in a snug pair of fitting jeans. Your baggy jeans showing your flamingo boxers reminds me of a 200-year-old Dolly Parton with her boobs hanging out at her knees. That is just not appetizing now run don’t walk out of this store so I don’t have to look at your flamingo boxers no more!”
The other day, I was flipping through the channels and I came across some weird hotdog eating contest. There were men and women competing and I couldn’t help but think how ridiculous it all was considering there are people who have no food and would be so happy with just a 1/2 inch slice of that damn hotdog. And what are they doing? They are stuffing them in like maniacs trying to win a dang trophy for the gluttony they are displaying. At one point, this lady is stuffing so fast that she must have hit the back of her throat wrong, tweaking her uvula, and proceeds to barf all over the table, which was so disgusting, I nearly lost my own dinner. In addition, the other ‘stuffers’ have to look away for fear of losing their maniac stuffing hotdog count. It was absolutely the dumbest thing I have every seen. Idiots!
I’m afraid that there are idiots everywhere and no one is immune to the terror and disgust that they can sometimes cause the general public. I have been known to idiot it up, especially as a teenager, but I’d like to think I’ve learned from my idiot mistakes. Some may say, “Ah, no, you still idiot it up now and again.” I guess we all do at times when our defenses are low or we have had one too many shumalings. Hence, my flamingo’s staring over me picture in a blog I wrote long long ago about getting idiotic at a fundraising 80’s party. I was an idiot, I admit it.
If we are lucky, we come away unscathed by the idiots that have been let out of the bag, but sometimes, we aren’t so lucky and one of the idiots gets in our space and really ticks us off or puts a big ass dent in the back of our car.
To all the idiots out there, please leave the innocent people out of your world, they have enough to deal with and don’t need you mingling your idiot stuff in with their’s. To all you ‘sometimes’ an idiot people, like me, hang in there. We got this!