Now, you may be thinking, “Oh dear Lord, what has the crazy Southern lady done to herself now? Or worse yet, to someone else?” To this I would have to laugh because I know I use some unsavory and weird words sometimes. I still have all of my parts though some of them have been altered a bit.
So the other day, the Professor and I were watching one of our favorite TV shows called ‘Life in Pieces.’ This is a show about a layering of family members including the older parents of these 2 sons and 1 daughter. Each family is in their own ‘piece’ of life from growing older to having their first baby to newly engaged. These people portray the quirkiest and extremely hilarious family out there, but I know they exist.
In this one episode the Doctor in the group who reminds me of one of my relatives, is tidying up his facial hair and the little hair he has left on his balding head when he accidentally shaves off half of his eyebrow. I looked at the Professor and said, “Who the hell would slip up like that? How crazy!” Long story short, the family tries to make it ‘right’ by guiding him into ‘shaping’ the ruined eyebrow and then making it even with the other one. Inevitably, he ends up with no eyebrows having messed with them so much. So, the two sister-in-laws (actually, one is about to be a sister-in-law) decide to ‘help’ him by drawing more on because he has a photo shoot for an article with his fellow doctors in his practice and wants to look good. Well, the ‘eyebrows’ looked like Uncle Leo on Seinfeld and bless him, he looked like a hilarious idiot in the photo.
Now, maybe a subliminal message was planted in my head as I sat at my make-up mirror the other night, a bit tired, a bit stabby from a long day, and probably not in the best state to do any sort of facial tidying up. I had my tiny trimmer and was shaping things and making sure I didn’t have the Cro-Magnon unibrow going on when I accidentally sneezed and guess who took off 1/4″ of her right eyebrow? Yep, this kid. The funny thing is, I laughed so hard, I almost wet my pants. I think I might have been slightly out of my mind.
I go and show the Professor and he looks at me like this guy here.
“What in the hell have you done to yourself,” he blurts out and then stammers as he realizes that might not have been the thing to say. Luckily, I was delirious and said, “Yes, this just happened. I sneezed and trimmed a bit too much.”
“Ya think, honey?”
I tell him to have no fear that the power of eyeshadow that my dear friend, Tina, taught me and I proceeded to draw back on the part I dismembered from my eyebrow grouping. When I was done, the Professor says, “Wow, I can’t tell and you don’t even look anything like Uncle Leo so kudos to you,” and then walks out shaking his head yet again.
Well, my dismemberment wasn’t done . . .
About a week ago, I got a phone call from a dear friend of mine and as I made my way into the bedroom so I wouldn’t disturb the TV watching Professor, I hiked my hinney onto the bed and in doing that, somehow hooked my ring ‘finger’ toe on the sideboard ripping the entire top layer of epidermis off and if that wasn’t enough, hooked my pinkie toe, got it stuck, and accidentally fell forward breaking it because of its lodged position. How I managed not to yelp out into the ear of my friend on the phone will forever be a mystery to me.
As you can imagine, I was in severe pain and bleeding everywhere and of course, guess who decides to walk in to use the restroom as I’m cleaning blood up, trying to doctor my toe, and trying to figure out how I would buddy tape my broken pinkie toe onto my dismembered next-to-it-toe without an incredible amount of pain . . . yep, the Professor.
He takes one look at me balancing on the edge of the tub, cleaning up blood, bandaging my profusely bleeding toe, hoping for the best for the broken toe who had no buddy, and all the while balancing the phone on my shoulder talking to my friend.
The Professor looked at me, shook his head, and walked out. Sometimes the man has no words to give me as I proceed to do the most bizarre things to my person. Bless him, I’m a freaking mess.
So, I must have had it out for the dismemberment of my toes as I sheared off the top of my left foot’s big toe with the clinic door the other day. More blood, more yelping containment, as I was seeing an OT kid and his mom off and didn’t want to alarm them, and more doctoring of yet another mishap.
I can’t blame these things on the in-coordination you will occasionally see kids go through when they hit a growth spurt because I stopped growing in college, which was 100 years ago. No, I wasn’t Shumaling-ing either. Who the heck knows why these things befall me.
Why, just the other day I tried to dismember my right hand while getting down off of a horse as it got caught on the saddle somehow and twisted around in a way that hurt like hell. I was with my very decorated horsewoman friend and contained a yelp again as I didn’t want to look like an idiot.
I have contained so much yelping lately, I fear that if I hurt myself again bad enough to require a yelp and no one happens to be around, what comes out of my mouth may damn well be heard around the world.
Y’all take care of yourselves and try to keep your parts together and in one piece.