Have you ever felt as if you have completely lost control of your body, your children, your home, your job, your mind, etc.?
I feel as if some entity that I am unaware of has swooped in and reeked such havoc on my life right now because all I want to do is run out the front door screaming into the night. I’ve actually done this, but I came back, however, I’m thinking I may not come back for a bit this time.
You may ask, “Well, what on earth is going on?” I would answer you back, “I have no idea but life seems a bit out of control right now and I’m feeling quite stabby about it!!!”
This is not to say that my state of happiness has left the building, no, the Professor makes sure I am happy and well cared for. He treats me like a queen, y’all, and he’s just precious. I’m blessed.
No, it’s just, well . . . let me give you a couple of happenings here lately and you decide.
So, a lot of you know this if you read my blogs . . . I lost 42 of the 47 pounds that I was hoping for doing Weight Watchers. I was so happy and lighter in my body that I actually felt comfortable at the beach in my tankini this year for the first time in 5 years, but then, I lost my momentum when my work got very busy.
I looooooove my job and it is the reason for my purpose on the planet. Recently, I have added several other pieces to it to make it into the whole I have always wanted such as Hippotherapy, essential oils, nutrition, yoga, acupoint treatment, aquatic therapy, and a few more things that I have now coined ‘The Dragonfly Approach’ and I’ve even written a book on it. Just waiting to hear if the publisher I’m hoping for will pick it up. Keep your fingers crossed and your prayers coming and a big thank you for this too!!
A few of these additions to my practice required certifications and that took time and money but well worth it. Because I was so busy with these things over the last 3 months, I went from 5 pounds away from goal to 20 pounds away from goal and I’m so pissed at myself I could spit. So, this was the first loss of control.
Next, my daughter turned 16 years old and I was hit with a double surprise party last week. Double because I didn’t know the surprise party was going to be in my precious clinic, which got trashed, but it was cleanable. My daughter was certainly surprised and had a grand ole time so there’s that too.
In addition to turning 16, she is now missing from my home most of the time, her room is a mountain of unwashed clothing, cups, plates, forks, etc., and I now understand why I have seen 2 ginormous flying wood roaches in my house nearly causing me to throw up as I fled in the other direction lest it land on my face, which would cause me to die right then and there. God did not make roaches, y’all, the devil did. I swear I’ve got this right.
The Professor and I are also tangled up in stuff with the ex’s that just wear me the hell out. Can these people just do the right thing for once in their stinkin’ lives, please? This has caused us much stress and I’m so sick to death of being bothered by it. Pray for this one too, y’all, we need it bad.
Recently, my health has been . . . well . . . lets just say its been incredibly ‘off’ for some reason and I had quite the scare the other day at my favorite hair gal’s place and I almost had to have the ambulance called for me. No joke! Scared the shit outta me.
For the last 3 weeks, I have not had a good handle on my IBS and I wasn’t sure why. I would cheat here and there as far as what I should eat or in my case, what I can’t eat, which is practically NOTHING. No sugar, no gluten, no bread, no candy, very little fruit, no red meat, no cheese, blah blah blah. If I slip, I pay for it the next day with cramping and many trips to the bathroom. It’s not at all fun, y’all.
Well, as daintily as I can say this, as I feel I should if this were to happen to you, I had what you’d call a vagal response to what I can only presume was a slight bowel blockage. Bear with me, it gets worse.
As I’m driving to my appointment, I had this weird headache that went from temple to temple across my forehead and on accident I noticed in the mirror that both of my eyes were VERY bloodshot like some stoner from Colorado. I also noticed that I became a bit confused as I pulled into my hair gal’s old place by mistake. By this time my stomach/intestines started hurting like I had to poo, sorry, but I’m getting there.
I realized my error in location, text my hair gal that I was an idiot, and proceeded to drive just a bit further down the road. By the time I pulled up to park, my hands started tingling, my heart was racing, and I started to sweat. I knew that it was a vagal response but I couldn’t figure out what was causing it until I sat down in the chair, my hair gal said I didn’t look so good, and that’s when a gut ripping pain shot through my abdomen as I apologized to my hair gal that I had to use the bathroom and it would be awhile.
By this time, every symptom had tripled in severity and I nearly passed out but not before I dry heaved 3 times into the garbage can. I nearly yelled for my hair gal to call an ambulance as I thought I was seriously dying and the pain in my abdomen was unbearable. After, dropping the first stubborn mean child off into the pool, the rest was water. I know its gross but I want to tell you this in case it happens to you. After the stubborn child was out, my vagal symptoms began to subside, but my problems weren’t over.
I somehow was able to sit through the rest of my hair cut and as I sat there I noticed I was pale as hell, my blood-shot eyes were white again, and my voice was hoarse from dry heaving. I was a freaking mess and my hair gal was very worried about me. One more trip to the bathroom and I felt a lot better.
Once home, I took some Advil and took a nap as this ‘situation’ wore me the hell out and also scared me to death, however, the bigger scare would come the next day . . .
I woke up tons better with a slightly achy stomach/intestines from the stress of the day before. I had the urge to use the bathroom and I could tell it was going to be loose. Well, it was loose all right . . . it was pure blood, yes, chunky red blood and A LOT OF IT!
I freaked the hell out, y’all, canceled my patients, and called the doctor. I then got online to look up what was happening to me and of course the first thing to pop up was colon cancer and that’s when I lost it. I know, I shouldn’t have used the internet for info.
I have not cried that hard ever, I don’t think. I was terrified in a way I have never felt before. The Professor had the day off and held me why I wept with fear telling me all would be fine but I wasn’t so sure.
I finally was able to get through to my mom and I was crying so hard she didn’t know what I was saying so I had to get it together. I wanted to know if what I had happen to me has ever happened to her, does it run in the family, and does colon cancer happen to run in the family also because I believed this is what I had and this type cancer killed my hair gal’s husband at a very young age a few years ago.
My mother offered a few explanations and my fear came down a notch but only one.
After the doctor’s visit here is what I discovered:
- My digestive system had been bothering me for 3 weeks (having trouble going poo) as well as my unhappily acquired hemorrhoid that was bestowed on me after the birth of my second child.
- My stomach had been swollen for those 3 weeks to the point I had a couple of folks ask me if I was pregnant. I began to believe I might be as well. This didn’t make sense because I was eating properly and I’m on the pill.
- When I weighed in at Weight Watchers having had a killer week, I had gained a pound and some, which baffled me and pissed me off because I was on it!
- I was sluggish and had low energy, which is unlike me and also incredibly unhelpful when you work with kids everyday, all day.
All of this added up to the following:
- My intestines had been ‘sick’ for 3 weeks because my hemorrhoid was pissed off for some reason and was swelling only it wasn’t swelling externally, it chose the internal path hence my trouble going poo.
- The ripping pain in my gut was my hemorrhoid beginning to erupt causing my body to go into a vagal response.
- The stubborn child dropped off at the pool violently, finished the rupture.
- The blood the next day was the aftermath of the rupture.
- I don’t have colon cancer, just a ruptured hemorrhoid.
- My stomach is not swollen.
- Things are exiting great without pain or trouble.
- I have lost a pound.
- I’m terrified this will happen again!
Now if this all isn’t enough, the reality that my son will be gone next year to college hit me like a ton of bricks when we discovered a few days ago that he was accepted to Auburn. House divided y’all as I am an Alabama fan and so is the Professor but I’m proud nonetheless and so is the Professor as his son goes to Auburn as well.
My son is also missing daily now that he is driving and as I gave him a big hug today before heading down to the beach with some friends and the friend’s mom and her friends, I realized that my motherly immediate control is slowly slipping away. This is as it should be, I am tired and its time for the chicks to take control of their fate and future, but its weird, is all.
I am about to turn 46 in a few days and I have had one of the most exciting and interesting life by my own standards, not to brag, but its been a ride. I know I’m not dead yet but I’m over half-way there and that’s okay.
I told the Professor that I’m glad I didn’t die the other day at the hair dressers as I have so much more to do and don’t have time to be dead. Silly huh, but that’s how I feel.
“God, wait, okay man. I want to see my kids fall in love, marry the right one the first time, and hold my grand-babys. I want to see my book published so it can help parents understand the route to go when faced with the discovery that they have a child with or even without special needs. I want to see me reach my goal weight and stay there. I want to own a horse and have a pool in the backyard. I want to retire and travel as long as it doesn’t involve flight. I haaaaaaaaate flying. I want to see Hawaii somehow and be morphed there and not fly. I also have another couple of books to write and I’ve started one of them but it will be a trilogy so hang on a bit and let me live. I want to get my human stuff completed before I leave.”
My mom and I went to lunch today for an early birthday celebration as I will be out-of-town because the Professor has a surprise trip planned for me, yay, I told her I didn’t have time to die because I had so much to do. She laughs and knows that I’m kidding of course but in some ways, I’m not.
When you discover your purpose of life on this earth as I have, there is a drive you CANNOT explain to finish your ‘work’ here before you hopefully go to heaven. God knows this I’m sure, hell, He knows all, but every once in a while I have to tell Him just to make sure He knows. I’m an idiot, I know, but take me or leave me, y’all.
I love my life and I am happier than I ever thought possible because of the love that the Professor gives me everyday. Change is in the air and its okay, it’s just weird and although I will turn 46 next week, I’m still 22 in my head and when your 22 in your head, you are too young to die just yet . . . just saying, God. Just saying.