Now, I know y’all think I am a great big ball of weird and that’s okay because I think I’m weird too but it entertains me and that’s something. I have written about mimes a few blogs ago and how these freaky people are the epitome of that ‘creepy’ weird and y’all know what I’m saying when I say that. I am also not at all a fan of magic and several of these modern-day magicians who seem like they could be the mime’s cousin disturb me and my insides. Don’t ask me why, I just feel it in my gut.
I’m not saying that mimes and magicians are evil, well, at least not here but I’m definitely thinking it, and I’m sure your moms are proud of your career of choice but I don’t get it is all.
Clowns . . .
Here is another subject of wonder and freakishness that I cannot get comfortable with, nope not at all.
The clown character of today developed out of the rustic fool of early comedy seen in ancient Roman and Greek theatre. The actual English word ‘clown’ was first recorded in c. 1560 and the origins of the word itself are thought to be from Scandinavia.
The now-classical features of a clown were developed in the early 1800’s by a dude called Joseph Grimaldi, who I despise for such a horrific depiction of basically a fool, an idiot, and/or a bafoon as they were referred to in history. Google it, a clown is considered an idiot, clumsy, a moron, and many more terms that I came across in my research. Joseph, you are not a nice dude and I’m telling your mother because there is now a phobia for what you did to us.
I will never forget my first ‘encounter’ with one of these freakish Joseph created clowns, I hate you Joseph. I was at a circus about 100 years ago. All I knew about the circus was that it had cotton candy, balloons, animals, and some three-ring thing that I wasn’t too sure about but was very curious to learn and see for myself.
Well . . . cue Zippy the Joseph developed clown . . . did I mention I hate you, Joseph?
You know that new movie that Stephen scary-ass King has out based on his book ‘It?’ Well, this was the way my innards felt as I was looking in another direction seated in the front row of the Greatest Freak Show on Earth. Oh and by the way, I think Stephen secretly dresses up like a clown and sashays around his house, just sayin’.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and as I turned in the direction of the tap, Zippy the drunk idiot clown 3D’d into my face and yelled, “Boo,” and then proceeded to laugh his over-made-up face off as I burst into tears and had a child’s heart attack and probably wet my pants though I don’t really remember as I have been traumatized for life by Zippy. I hate you Zippy, I hope your make-up contains lead and you have passed away into clown hell where y’all can scare the shit out of each other and leave the poor kids out of it.
When I was a teenager, I got to the point where I was wearing too much make-up and my Ma had a come to Jesus with me saying that I looked cheap and a lot like a clown. Oh, that smart woman knew exactly what to say to me as I went straight to the bathroom to wash it all off. No clown crap for me, no sir.
I find it utterly weird that clowns have been around as long as they have and I’m still pissed off at Joseph for coming up with the clown-ness look.
Awhile back, which makes sense to me as clowns are evil and I know you clown people love being clowns and it makes your heart happy to make children laugh or scatter depending on your party-side manner, these freaks were showing up on the sides of roads as clowns and I think I remember some of them shooting folks. Y’all are idiots, really!
Now, I have met some lovely clowns and although I have met them in a Judy Chop Ninja pose ready to attack and then run, they seemed nice but who in the hell decides one day that, “You know what? I’m going to gob a shit ton of make-up on my face so my pores can’t breath, add freakish un-natural red cheeks, don a big fat red nose, over-do my eyebrows like Uncle Leo on Seinfeld, wear entirely too bright and weird clothes, big ass shoes, maybe some insane looking rainbow wig that smells like crap, oh and yes, lets add a hat and talk like we have a slide whistle for a voice. Yes! Ma will be so proud! Oh, and you know what else? I’m going to learn how to form penis-shaped balloons into animals and such too! That should bring joy and happiness to all the good children of the world especially when I shove the penis-shaped sword at them to carry around for the rest of the day.”
If you are a dude and you are putting on make-up and shoving penis shaped balloon animals and swords at kids, you might be a repressed cross dresser and your penis thing needs some attention.
If you are a chick putting that much make-up on, you might need some psychological help as you are covering up a face that you feel is ugly but probably isn’t and if you’ve added the penis-shaped balloon animals to your gig, um, you might need a hug and more help.
One of the clowns that I had grown to hate as a child was Bozo the clown. You remember the one out of Chicago that would stand too close to small children as they were throwing ping-pong balls into the buckets to win prizes? That clown was nuts and he OVER DID EVERYTHING and I know that is the point but you have gotten the OVER DID thing down when you donned your make-up, wig, and outfit. Tone it down some, dude! You’re freaking out the good children and now adults of the world.
To all the magicians, mimes, and clowns out there well, I have no words. Just no words at all!