My husband has decided that I am a weird magnet, therefore, it is my fault. I don’t recall asking for this trait out of the body and brain making catalog when God was busy making me up there in heaven. Nor did I ask for asthma, ADHD, short legs, or food addiction resulting in losing this stupid weight 5 times now. This time will stick, just saying.
Anyway, I know my face looks like this guy above when I see the weirdness and I really need to be careful about wearing my obvious what I’m thinking facial expression when the weirdness is upon me not to mention, I’m pretty sure I’m not even realizing that under my breath I’m saying, “What in the hell . . .?” I might get tasered, who knows?!
So in my weight loss journey with Weight Watchers, I’ve managed to shed 42#’s and I don’t want it back so if you see a 42# blob of fat, DO NOT TELL IT WHERE I AM, Y’ALL! I have about 5#’s left to meet my goal and then ultimately a Lifetime WW member, which is a very big deal in the WW world. You’re like WW royalty, I’m not kidding!
I’ve been through various exercise routines trying to find the one that works for me and one that I will actually do. I loooooooove walking, just love it. I hate being inside as I feel like a caged animal and I don’t like for my family to watch me workout because I’m sure it’s quite the horror/embarrassment flick. Plus, walking outside gets me some sun and a lot of blogging material!
I’m also doing yoga most mornings and in the meantime, have become kid yoga certified. I am teaching kid yoga classes on Saturday mornings and I plan on twilight yoga in the evenings when the weather begins to allow for it. I have a huge driveway off of the clinic and have twinkly little string lights passing back and forth across it and its just going to be heavenly!!
I’m also dabbling in affordable essential oils and these have helped me shed weight, remain calm, and many other benefits. If you are interested in essential oils, I am a wholesale distributor who is not out to make money but to help treat the whole child with my OT kids, and parent essential oils as well. These oils are for everyone. I have signed up with the company Plant Therapy and they rock y’all. They really do! They aren’t out to make millions either, they just want to make our lives easier and more healthy without making us broke. I love that!
Anyway . . . back to the weirdness.
So, one of the other things that I have done is purchase myself a nifty little bike with a big seat for my diminishing ass to sit on and ride all over our part of town . . . ya know, where the weirdness is. I used to mountain bike when I lived in Colorado and I was a bit of a junky. I have a mountain bike but my sweet bonus son has claimed it for himself, which is fine cuz it was not for me anymore.
Venturing out the same day I bought my new bike, I was so excited to ride again, I about peed my pants. Well, maybe that was because I was jumping up and down with glee next to my new bike and the jumping almost made me pee myself because I’ve had two kids and there’s this little cuss named gravity . . . moving on.
Mounting my bike, I decided to ride all the way to the “riiiivffffer,” see comedian “Metro Jethro” so this makes sense, you won’t be disappointed, but you might pee your pants, ladies, be careful.
The first thing I discover is that the seat is so much more comfortable than what I was used to on my mountain bike, the second thing was how much I loved feeling my legs working hard, and thirdly, the wind and sun was just freaking awesome sauce. It was the perfect day for riding to the riiiivffffer.
In comes my blogging material . . .
Because it was a nice day, the whole SE part of my little planet was out and about and who could blame them? As I was riding the long sidewalk that would hook me up the greenway from my neighborhood, it was so clogged, I had to stop. I kid you not, there was a little entourage of sweet Asian people who had to be lost because this was a greenway, not a safari and taking pictures while folks are trying to move about the greenway could get your little Asian ass taken out. They were so gleeful taking their little pictures, you couldn’t help but smile but damn it, I was on a workout mission to see the riiiivffffer. They finally moved on when suddenly, Tour de France passed by. These bikers mean business, as I have said before, and I was so glad that the picture taking safari group had moved on because I’m pretty sure there would have been blood. You think I’m kidding . . .
I FINALLY, get on the greenway headed in the direction of the riiiivffffer and I am happy as can be. My hair is blowing, I’m smiling ear to ear, and my legs are getting a great workout. However, I then come upon “we have no idea where we are in space, so we are going to spread our 6 member family out on the greenway walking at a snail’s pace.”
Now, there is distinct marking on the greenway and they are not ancient hieroglyphics. There is a line drawn down just off of dead middle some because bikes are bigger than people I guess, that shows walkers over here and bikers over there. Well, in addition to not understanding their position in space, they obviously could not read the hieroglyphics nor could they look down in order to try.
In the meantime, we are all clogged again and then it happened . . . Edward Scissor Arms shows up and you know what . . . that family scattered like underaged partiers at a party where the police have just shown up.
Yay! We can get by now!
A little further up, there is a human body crumpled down in the grass and I get the uneasy feeling she has either passed out our Edward got her . . . aw shit, do I stop? I’m coming up on her trying to assess what has happened when she comes to life and starts screaming in the direction I am riding in, thus, scaring the living shit out of me. It quickly becomes clear that her family has left her behind, I guess they don’t believe in Ohana, meaning “no one gets left behind.”
Has anyone seen the movie “Old School” with Will Ferrell? There is this scene where Will has just shot himself in the neck with a tranquilizer gun at a kid’s birthday party. When the tranquilizer kicks in, he starts falling around and ends up falling into the pool. At the point where Will starts falling around the birthday party, he makes this sound and it was the same sound this fallen girl makes when she realizes Ohana had been thrown into the creek and she better get her ass up. You’ve never seen little legs move so fast.
I look up the trail some and barring the anti-Ohana family, who have clearly deciphered the hieroglyphics correctly, there is no one else ahead. Kick ass, I’m taking off!!
I am peddling like no tomorrow and buzz past the ‘anti’ family and it is open road and I’m in heaven again. The sun is up and shining on my face, my hair is blowing, my legs are aching but in a good way, and everything around me is crisp and wonderful. The creek is full so it doesn’t look nasty and the grass is green. This is going to be awesome when I get to the riiiivffffer.
Well, that bit was short lived as I managed to swallow 368 1/2 bugs, nearly ran over a dog whose owner lost control of it right as I was going by, and nearly took out an occupied stroller whose wheel came all the way off, shooting the stroller into my path. Good God almighty!
I finally near the riiiivffffer and decide to cut through the campground to see who was there hanging out. I have friends and OT kid families that love camping but none of them were there, however . . .
There is the phenomenon or a set of neurons in our brain that we humans possess that is unique to our species. It’s called “intuition neurons.” These neurons are the ones that fire when we find ourselves in a situation we don’t feel comfortable in but can’t say why or we meet a person and think, “there is just something funky about that person” even if they haven’t said a word. Well, I get that funky feeling as I near this dude sitting on the hood of his car with no camping stuff set up or no family with him. It was just him, sitting along on the hood of his car looking around.
As, I pass him, for some reason, I held my breath. He stared a hole in me y’all and I fully expected him to leap off of that car and tackle me on my bike. It was damn creepy and I peddled faster, kinda like that crazy bike lady on the Wizard of Oz. As I zipped past him, I heard him yell something to my back but I kept going, terrified I’d have to taser him.
Finally, at the riiiivffffer, I spotted a nice picnic table to lean my bike against, sit down on, and take in the beauty of the water.
Sometimes when I get moments like this where I’m alone, which is rare, I pray and that is exactly what I was doing as two ladies approached me from nowhere and say to me, “Excuse us, we just wanted to say hi. We like saying hi to people.” And as these two sentences were said, they just awkwardly hung in the air. You see, at this point, I was the only person in this particular section of the greenway and I literally had my hands folded, my eyes closed, and my head bowed so it was obvious what I was doing.
Now, when I’m talking to God and Jesus, DO NOT BOTHER ME. I know that sounds rude y’all but that is my time with my Maker and His Son. So, I was a bit irritated.
I look at each one of the odd ‘hi’ women and said, “Hey y’all. I was just praying but thanks for the hi.” Now, some people don’t have intuition neurons, which also let you know when its time to go, and suddenly, I was the most interesting person these two ladies had ever met and they gawked at my new bike, my pigtails, my tanned skin, my tennis skirt, and my fake eyelashes.
I just want to freaking pray!
About 10 minutes go by and I finally get the nerve up to say this, “Hey y’all, I gotta finish praying and get back home. Nice talking with you.” And as the clouds parted and rays of light shined on their two little faces burning out their corneas, they finally moved on.”
Thank you sweet baby Jesus for an answered prayer!
I had been there long enough, though secretly wanted to stay a lot longer, so I headed back home. I didn’t pass by scary hood guy who saw me anyway and yelled across the campground, “You’re afraid of me huh little girl?” I wanted to flick him the bird but thought that would not be wise as he might run me over with his car and I don’t have time to be dead.
Heading back home was much more pleasant. The Asian safari expedition was gone, the clueless in space family was gone, as well as the anti-Ohana family so it was nice.
As I pulled up into the driveway, my daughter was sitting out there sunning herself and inquired how my ride was . . .
My daughter knows me well and my chuckle and grin told her that she could read all about it in my next blog.
Love y’all and my new bike!!♥